“Stop drinking so much” my mother would say. “Find a stable relationship” everyone else in the world would say. But I knew, deep down that drinking and sex was working for me. For now.
At the end of a day of inspiring others when I felt uninspired, that glass of wine was a relief that I craved. At the end of a week of studying how to live an ultimate life of health and happiness I needed to let the rebel run free. In order to do that I had to quiet the good woman. Done with her sh!t, a vodka and tonic did just nicely.
I didn’t just drink. I drank heaps. And I loved it.
My romance was centred around intense emotional, mental and physical attraction. Because neither of us were fully healed, this type of attraction meant we were drawn to each others’ negative traits just as much as we were drawn to each others’ positive traits.
The hunger that he had for me revealed a vulnerability that hid within an arrogant and uncontrollable man. This was magnetic to me.
The love that I had for him came with conditions. I hated the fact that I found a man that I disapproved of so attractive. I fought him every step of the way.
He loved that I hated him and I hated that I loved him.
I was hooked into the battle right now (and the bottle), but I knew I wasn’t an addict. How did I know? I had the tools of yoga and meditation. I’d be just fine. The rollercoaster was a ride I will never forget and a phase I will never regret.
It bugged me that people would say, ‘That’s not yogic.’.
What’s not yogic? Messing up? Not knowing the answers? Wanting to binge on champagne and sex instead of do yoga and get married? That was my yoga. That was what targeted and broke down the instability in my life so that I could rebuild again from an unbreakable foundation.
Have you ever had a deep tissue massage that is so intense it hurts? But the pain feels good? It’s because it is excavating the stuck energy out of your muscles. Well that is what drinking and physical attraction did to me. It hurt so good I couldn’t get enough. I was never ever satisfied.
Binge on booze & men (or one man in particular)
So for now I was going to binge and I wasn’t taking any prisoners. I would go to excess until I was full. I had a small capacity but a bottomless appetite. So I’d detox often. The detox would involve hours of yoga, meditation, healthy living and honest work to make a living. I’d learn, grow, evolve, eat well, abstain from drama, make money. I’d drink in moderation or not at all. Every time my “drugs” would resurface, even hunt me down, I had a stronger force field. This time it wasn’t the suppression of a craving, it was a lack of interest if it caused injury. True sobriety, I realised, was to have the things that you once desired offered to you in a banquet yet have little appetite for it.
Had I not binged, I truly believe I never would have stopped craving and resisting. I lived my life under the watchful eye of trained teachers. I did it under the microsope of my own sadhana (spiritual self study), meditation and yoga practice. I would never ever recommend indulging in bad habits without these things. That’s a recipe for eternal disaster.
Some would say I was self medicating. And I was. But I was also learning about myself. I knew that if I craved in the way that I craved, a longing that had no origin, I needed to listen and I needed to act. Had I not craved alcohol, I wouldn’t have needed the yoga. Had I craved to be loved instead of desired, I wouldn’t have learned how to control my breath.
Now I have total control over myself when around the things that I desire. This means I don’t need to control them, over indulge in them, suppress them, avoid them or push them away. I don’t crave the high’s of my past. I don’t obliterate them either. I enjoy them in a healthy way.
I gravitate to beverages which hydrate & heal me not hurt me. I love passionate desire but it goes hand in hand with stability, as I crave less and trust more. I love a glass of wine, heck I might down the bottle, but if I have it too much or too often it numbs me from feeling this new world that has emerged around me. A world rich in beauty and comfort that makes me high in and upon itself.
Today I feel satisfied from the feasting of years gone by. I attribute my commitment to yoga and self development to conquering the seductive and addictive sides of my personality. Desire and passion are now attached to positive situations and people. My high’s come from being sober and loved, as well as drunk and on fire.
I am 50% good woman, I am 50% rebel. I am 100% yogini.