“Show a girl you don’t care and she will chase you. Show a woman you don’t care and she will replace you.”
Cocky words and definitely not how I feel about my ex. But it does show the pathway of maturity many women have taken from wanting to be challenged in love vs wanting to land in love.
I made the decision this year to land. I was ready, but he was not. I told him one evening that if he walked out, he wouldn’t be coming back this time. He walked out. I didn’t take him back.
About every 6 weeks he checked in. Would we pick up where we had left off? Just as we had always done? Every time, I ignored the pull of familiarity and listened to the growing need that I had for stability.
You see the relationship was both difficult and easy and leaving was the same. The decision to leave easy, the practice of it difficult. I knew what I needed with such clarity that there was no other option for me. Getting my needs met had always been priority. What those needs were, very clear, and being with him, very natural. Now, being with him was becoming more difficult. It was stressful somehow. On my own I was feeling calm and joyous. Times with him were keeping me on the rollercoaster that had been ‘us’. I was wanting him to change now. Mature, provide me with stability. I wanted new and exciting experiences.
I wanted it firstly with him, but I was going to have it with or without him. My yoga practice had always been about growth, advancement and learning. First and foremost, it was about an intense ambition and fierce commitment to myself. I was beginning to realise that eventually I needed to find peace in order to rest, play and just be. Ease was what I wanted now.
Pushin’ & Pullin’
Our journey began in the well known push pull cycle. He showed me that he wasn’t ‘relationship material’ (the classic bad boy) so I’d walk away and chase my dreams. Every time I moved forward, I inadvertently created a current that pulled him forward as well, and back to me. My obsession with yoga, led me to advance, learn and grow. My forging forward gave him something to pursue. He was a hunter and I started to enjoy being hunted. Two addictive personalities became addicted to each other. He fuelled a fire inside of me to chase myself, I fuelled a fire inside of him to chase me.
Falling in Love
Our relationship did mature and it did evolve. We fell in love.
It still wasn’t the recognisable committed ‘Relationship’ but I’ve never had anyone look at me with such intensity – those brown eyes literally burned me. The first time he looked at me that way was when I knew that something had changed. He was hooked, this was love, but it wasn’t the love that we could land in for long. It was okay though, comfort filled me with anxiety and I wasn’t ready to touch down quite yet. I still needed my yoga practice to challenge me.
He felt soft and comforting because he allowed me to be wild and free. He made me feel like a woman because he was the only man who could tame me. Oh how we loved one another, but I loved me first, him second and he was the same.
When he got comfortable, I’d become unhappy. I’d push him, challenge him, this was not where I wanted the growth to end. He taught me to be carefree, playful, and through his ability to dominate & conquer, he taught me how to be soft. I was beginning to want more rest, more of this softness and less of the pursuit. As soon as I rested and got comfortable however, he’d throw a curve ball at me. He’d do something that would whip my head around and fill me with anger. What had once inspired me to be a better woman, was now just pissing me off.
Finally, in January of 2019, I wasn’t practicing yoga as much anymore. I was sharing what I knew in my teachings and my personal Sadhana was a gentle inquiry, not a hunger to grow. I finally accepted myself just as I was. He accepted me too. We had settled, but he hadn’t settled in the same way that I had. A fork was appearing in our path.
You see a ‘relationship’ is an intimate path that you walk with another. Sometimes it moves through a phase of lessons & sometimes it gives you the most delicious rewards. It doesn’t always look a certain way and it’s not always rainbows and roses. This was our relationship. It looked exhausting – and it was. But it was very intimate, delicious & natural as well. We moved together, side by side, with no restraints or shackles. Like a flock of birds – we were in separate bodies, but we moved as one.
There were battles! But I have no scars, no wounds, and now…. absolutely no fear. Yoga was the medi-kit that repaired me every time. Through this I gained a wisdom, an inner confidence & a peace that that feels like warm liquid flowing through my veins. When you love someone & you know they love you – you don’t need to grasp, clutch or cling. Painful as it may be, sometimes the story changes, even when the love remains.
Love now looks different to me. It means mutual compromise, interdependence, permanency & respect. Just like my yoga practice has taught me. But this bad boy set my bar high. I’ve found the stability, the men who respect me, the men who will give me the world but I have not yet found new love and I’ve not yet found another man as committed to me as he was.
To those of you who are in beautiful, passionate, healthy & comfortable relationships – I applaud you and I recognise you. But love is not that way for everyone straight away. Love should not hurt, but sometimes it does and that’s okay. As long as we use these lessons to grow, evolve and learn, it can bring us to a better place. The evolution of love can happen at any time in life, not just your 20’s, so let the adults be children sometimes. It’s okay to have a different story.
Yoga and this man helped me to learn how to love myself, so that I could truly love another. Don’t judge others for having messy shitty love. It doesn’t mean they are less than you. It means they are different to you and that’s okay.
He told me the other day – “We have a spiritual connection, not a compatible one”. I had to agree. He was the man I did not choose. I was the woman he did not choose. But we chose each other time and time and time again.
When we get clear about our wants and needs, the most difficult things become easy. Stay in the knowing. I have finally touched down. Comfortable in my own skin, in a place of ease, warmth and inner peace.
I’m a writer, I’m a yogini, my relationships run deep and I’m a bloody late bloomer. Bloom my friends! I’m blooming bright now.