At 45kg I was emaciated. A tiredness hung over me that I’d never felt and my heart was broken. An industry that I had poured my heart and soul into for six years was splintered. My house was on the market and I had very real threats of losing a business that was my sole income. After a month of private and public attacks on me personally and professionally, I was up on criminal charges. I was haemorrhaging money to two law firms & a sole barrister who were fighting for me.
It ended in a police station. I was having a panic attack and vomiting in a scummy police toilet while being watched over by a policeman. My name and reputation was negatively being splashed over social media and in personal texts to my staff that same night. I had to make a statement at the station. What had bought me to my knees? What had brought a woman, who devoted her life to self development, integrity and respecting others to lash out so violently? The details of my rock bottom aren’t so relevant, but the recovery is. This story is what made me the woman, the yoga teacher and the business owner that I am today.
Rock Bottom
When I got home from the police station, I crawled into bed. My battle wasn’t over, I had lawsuits and a business to save, but the personal and professional abuse was. I’d made damn sure of that. I stayed in that bed and slept for 14 days leaving only to see lawyers.
My heart was broken. I had not only witnessed a palpable hatred by people I had loved and trusted, it had been launched into me in a seedy attempt to remove me from my position as majority owner of the Yoga Sanctuary.
I didn’t want the public’s desire to practice yoga to be tainted by the cancer that churned within my studio. Barely able to get out of bed, I could not manage the business. When I was at my worst and my reputation was in a shambles, two angels believed in me. Here’s our story.
Be a Woman of Integrity
Two weeks prior, a woman who I barely knew, but came to my class every Friday morning emailed me out of the blue. She said if I was ever looking for someone to manage my studio she’d love to apply. I handed her the keys to two cancer riddled yoga studios and with no prep or induction, I gave her a Yoga Sanctuary email address and a shambles to clean up while I fought the battle of my life. She was cc’d into vicious emails. Shocked, she showed me professionalism, impeccable work ethic, and a belief in me that today still blows my mind.
A month prior I had contacted yet another woman who came to that same Friday class and asked her if she’d like to trial for a yoga teacher position. She trialled and suitably impressed I gave her a job. After going to bed and finding I couldn’t get out again, she bought a cronut and a latte to my home and took not only all of my classes but the classes of the staff members that had walked out of my business without notice. She also became privy to the cancer and – shocked, stood by me even more when others fell away.
How I Won
Physically I was exhausted. Publically I had been humiliated with misleading and untrue information and financially I was under huge strain. Inside however I was unbreakable. Daily I stayed true to one thing, I knew anyone fighting from their own weakness would eventually lose against the strength that I felt. I felt infinitely confident and I kept it private. I had an inner strength that no one could break and I kept that private too. I believed in what I had offered for many years and I kept that private. This was not a time to prove to others that I was a good and capable person, this was a time to slay. I knew that in time my world would see who I really was.
I allowed weakness and negativity to play out all around me. I allowed rumours and emails, gossip and social posts to play out. Disgusted, I ignored all of it.
I clung to my love of yoga, I clung to my love of people with an egoless confidence. Every small snippet of spare time that I had I meditated. I journeyed deep into the recesses of my soul and asked for guidance. “Please give me strength & stamina”.
As this happened, I noticed that people who vibrated on insecurity and weakness all gravitated towards the drama that unfolded. I also noticed that people who vibrated on an egoless love of life gravitated towards me. In the face of my downfall my life was naturally being reorganised. Weeds were being removed leaving me with a beautiful garden of souls who are all still my friends today.
Today
I was not convicted of my ‘crime’ and I once more became 100% owner of the Yoga Sanctuary. People who work there today often comment on the lack of drama and the incredible friendships that we have at our place of work. I regularly get emails from people saying that I have teachers of a ‘world standard’. Anne-Marie and I hire them on a very personal criteria that no other studio owner could ever replicate. We’ve been through a lot together and it shows in a friendship that began when I was at my worst and only grew thicker and stronger over the years.
The memory of that time still brings me to tears. I witnessed hatred and egotistic madness that broke my heart. But I also witnessed love, support and beauty that to this day fills me with not only gratitude but pride to be in the presence of these people.
The Yoga Sanctuary recovered from her cancer. Every cell now is buoyant with health, truth, wisdom and bliss. Each cell is a yoga teacher, a manager, an administration genius (my mum). Look out though, we are powerful women. We slay negativity with our kindness, egoless confidence and everlasting love of yoga.
WOW!! This brought tears to my eyes Denise. I was not aware of this. What a beautiful learning curve of trust in the kindness of others, letting go and allowing help from strangers when vulnerable, feeling the love and support of your new tribe as it builds in the time of need.
As a teacher at the Yoga Sanctuary I am blessed to be in this tribe of vibrant, kind, loving strong individuals. I am grateful for YS tribe!!
Thank you for sharing Denise. You are an amazing strong, beautiful spirit I am grateful to call my friend. xoxo
We are blessed to have you Nadia. Even once a teacher is hired, we watch closely to see if they have the qualities that we seek.
These qualities are not within the Yoga Alliance standards. We look for purity, we look for trustworthiness, we look for real deep love of yoga and talent of the craft of living an inspired life. You my dear, possess the qualities that we seek and I am grateful to call you my friend as well xx
So much love to you. This must have all been after I moved house and stopped coming to classes due to travel time. I wish I could have been there to support you. Admiring and acknowledging your strength to share this now and so very happy that you have rebuilt a strong fortress of beautiful souls around you after such betrayal. Powerful woman indeed
Thanks Rebecca. Yes it was a while ago now. I always knew I’d tell my story, but only long after the dust had settled and the negativity had moved away. I wanted to share it as a positive experience. A prevailing, a victory. Not because I won over someone, but because I used the experience to be a wiser and stronger person.
Miss having your beautiful face in the studio.
Wow!!! As you speak in class Denise, you write beautifully . What a journey gorgeous girl, but as you know, only those that can rise above such challenges are given them. I’ve also experienced the power of love and support from very special women in my life #priceless! You and your wonderful tribe of gifted teachers have created a very special space where I love to come and practice. Due to location from home, it’s only once a week (usually the beautiful Sarah’s class on a Sunday) but is a real highlight. Thank you all
Much love, Vicki
Thank you Vicki. What doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger lol. And yes, I feel so humbled and honoured that such talent choose the Yoga Sanctuary to weave their magic. I always know that if I’m not there on any given day – you all are in kind and capable hands. Thanks for choosing us D x
My goodness Denise I am truely lost for words.
Denise you give all women hope .
You have helped me through an extremely difficult time .
I refer to my self as a weed. You can knock a weed down, but we only come up stronger
Thank you for sharing
In my profession I discover that many many of us have been through tough times. And we often discover that we’ve inadvertently helped in some way or another without realising it. A reminder to always be kind. Always. Thanks for reading and commenting Tina 😉
Denise – I am guessing this was happening about the time I joined Yoga Sanctuary. I came with my own demons and your teaching only ever radiated truth and goodness – I trust my instinct on this. What you created out of all the ugliness is a beautiful, authentic place to go and find peace and connection to oneself and, every so often, we see your very cute sense of humour. Thank you from someone who received so much from Yoga Sanctuary at a time of extreme turmoil and grief – You, Sarah and Michelle in particular have me more than you will ever know. Namaste
Awww thank you! The world’s gotta laugh right? You are so very welcome and I am genuinely grateful that the studio brings peace to you (not just saying that either, it’s the truth). I’ll pass the kind words onto Sarah & Michelle as well. Shame Michelle didn’t know to bring you a latte and a cronut when you were going through your sh!t. I bet she would have 🙂 x
Thank you Denise for sharing. I love the classes at the Yoga Sanctuary and the teachers are amazing. I always rave about the Yoga Sanctuary…. it is just that love and peace
Thanks for reading Nicky. Thanks for raving about us, we really appreciate it!
Denise, so brave of you to share – love your raw honesty. And your blogs have been awesome to read. Thank you for sharing. I love YS and the journey that it is taking me on xx
Thanks Jaime. And your next Yoga Sanctuary adventure is coming up very soon with the teacher training…. !
Oh my god ! I would ve always help you, I am glad you have overcome all the envy that probably was the root of that cancer. Unfortunatly in this world there is people that get mad when others shine. Keep on shinning your light, you are a precious teacher and inspiration.
So very kind Claudia. I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the response from this blog. Shine bright sista xx
I was shocked to read this Denise a strong woman you are indeed.Even though I have only been to your studio a few times due to living in Australia it has nourished me greatly and I’m still looking for somewhere over here at least similar.
I hope you continue to flourish and succeed in what you are doing you are a beautiful teacher and your kindness definetly shows .I hope to catch up next time I’m back wishing you all the very best until we meet again .Namaste.
Thanks for your kind words Linda. I do continue to flourish and life is good. I hope you find a great studio over in Aussie and pop by next time you are in the neighbourhood. Namaste 🙂
Wow Denise!!
This honestly bought me to tears. I have read many of your blogs but this is the most raw and powerful blog yet.
I’m grateful that your “angels” and YS tribe have loyally and steadfastly stood by you during your personal “hell”.
I’m no stranger to betrayal and hatred from the people who are meant to love and care for me however my very beautiful and wise Nan taught me “Never allow anyone to make you come down to their level, live with kindness and fierce integrity and the truth will come out in the end.
Without knowing you, you do come across as an incredibly compassionate person.
Quote: “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen??
– Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Beautiful quote Desiree and thank you for your kind words. Challenging experiences just help us to become more rooted in that which we hold as good.